Suggestions for Assisting Families of Problem Drinkers/ Alc0holics

Not everyone trapped by alcohol is an alcoholic”
Al-Anon Family Groups Australia (www.al-anon.org.au)

  • Understand partners, parents and family can be as unwell as the drinker - perhaps more so.

    Living with someone else’s drinking can be confusing, frustrating, annoying and in the end, 'crazy making” as the family or friends try to understand and “help” their alcoholic loved one.


    Those close to someone with an alcohol problem or addiction are often just as ignorant as the drinker of the role of alcohol in their lives - especially when they compare the drinker with those they drink with. For example, they all drank the same amounts, but their loved one was the one who started a fight.


    In “Vino Veritas” is a common assumption.

    A problem with this is, that whilst there may be some truth motivating the behaviour, it is delivered “drunk' and thus is distorted or exaggerated. So, making assumptions about other people, whom you think you know quite well, can lead to false conclusions.

 

  • Appreciate how the defense mechanisms, as explained previously, operate in those affected by someone else’s drinking for similar reasons.

    Admitting the extent of a problem without hope for a solution is too difficult. Your role is to encourage the person to seek help by those people who been through similar problems and give hope that your client’ patient’s life can be improved, whether the person keeps drinking or not.

    Al-Anon has a pamphlet called the Merry-Go-Round Called Denial to help families understand how they can deal with the drinker’s denial.

  • Doesn’t one have to wait for the alcoholic to want to stop drinking?

    This is a misunderstanding.

    Certainly no one can be forced to do something against their will unless an extreme measure such as imprisonment is used.

    And then, such measures are often not effective long term, unless the person is willing to change and has the support etc. they need to do so.

 

  • Know that positive changes can be made BEFORE the drinker is ready to seek help  - more on this below.

    By offering understanding and support but not enabling the drinking behaviour (doing things for others that they are responsible for and need to do for themselves) is more likely to help the alcoholic see and understand the consequences of their own behaviour sooner than later.

    In turn, this means their motivation to change may be more likely at earlier stages in their drinking.


  • Appreciate the effects “Personality Change”

    As a common sign of alcoholism, behaviour that is out of character may be difficult for the drinker to deal with, but even more so for loved ones. They are more aware of its impacts and so perhaps even more confused.

  • Dealing with “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” is not easy.

    A black and white logical approach - just leave and so avoid further problems - means leaving “the good guy(or girl) to avoid the bad guy (or girl) and conversely, staying with the good guy (or girl) means having to put up with the drunk.”

    The family are in a “catch-22” - as practical, financial, social, family and other considerations also impact.


  • Grasp the “Helping” dilemma for those affected

    Caring people try to do their best to help. With a physical illness or impairment, doing for other people the things they cannot or have trouble doing for themselves is normal. A person has a broken leg. A certain amount of physical and emotional support is warranted and appreciated.

    Our society still gives the impression that alcohol and other drug dependence and/or addiction, along with mental health problems, just should not happen and so there are no socially acceptable ways for families to address this.

    Al-Anon Family Groups' pamphlet, The Merry-Go-Around Called Denial” aims to show that certain “helping” behaviours are, in fact, enabling the drinking behaviour to get worse, by removing from the drinker the opportunity to experience and correct their own mistakes.


  • Al-Anon, like AA, uses the “disease” model of alcoholism to separate the person from their behaviours (or their “dis-ease”).

    Loved ones are encouraged to support the person, their behaviour towards addressing their drinking related issues, and taking responsibility for their actions, without blame, whilst at the same time, not condoning or propping up unhealthy or unacceptable behaviour.


  • Understand that those affected need to look after their own well-being, whether they stay in relationship or not

    Airlines tell passengers with children to always put their masks on first, if there is an emergency.

    Here looking after oneself first, is not viewed as being selfish, but sensible.

    Whatever crises face the loved ones, their partners/ family etc. being healthy and well-grounded means better outcomes for everyone - the drinker included.


  • Know that positive changes can be made before the drinker is ready to seek help.

    People in relationships are like people in a boat. One does not have to wait for someone else to shift position to “rock the boat”. One can make changes to improve their own life,  before the drinker is ready to stop.

    What cannot be predicted is whether the drinker will shift position to stay in the boat (i.e. get sober) - or get out of the boat (i.e. keep drinking).


    As mentioned previously, what is more likely is that the problem drinker will need to face the difficult consequences of their own behaviour sooner and thus be more open to change before chronic stages of alcoholism occur.

    Initially partners/ families applying a “non-enabling approach” can appear to make the situation worse, because the dynamics are changing and the drinker is more likely to react or be in more trouble.

    Partners/ families may need reassurance that this is not necessarily the case.


  • Changing one’s own life for the better needs to be  free of manipulation i.e. not specifically done to make the other person change.

    Alcoholics can be extremely savvy about other’s motives and sensitive to perceived rejection.

    This is why Al-Anon Family Groups have a supportive program to assist family and friends to clarify their own motives and responsibilities whilst respecting, and caring about the person with the drinking problem.


  • Refer family and friends to self-help support and professional services, where appropriate

    If someone is affected by someone else’s drinking, they can use this information and attend both AA and Al-Anon meetings (most are open to the public) and/or seek help from specialist.

As a helping professional,  some suggestions about what you can do

Have your support staff arrange for some of these to assist your work. Your walls and waiting rooms can help too

  • Become familiar with Al-Anon – There is a section for Professionals.
    https://al-anon.org.au/professional/

    Provide this information to those you think maybe affected by someone else’s Drinking

    Suggest exploring Al-Anon’s website for more about alcoholism and for information about their meetings and literature.

  • Suggest your client/ patient assess whether Al-Anon can assist them. They can download these pdf pamphlets from the  Free Downloads Section
    https://al-anon.org.au/free-downloads/

    Are you troubled by Someone Else’s Drinking  (20 questions) and
    Did you grow up with a Problem Drinker? (20 questions)

  • Suggest meetings – Online or face-or-face:
    Like AA, Al-Anon recommends attendance at a series of meetings, and different meetings, reading their literature and talking with others to become as educated as possible about alcoholism and its impacts.

  • Suggest your client/ patient talk to an Al-Anon member in confidence - 1300 252 666

Other Strategies:

As part of your professional education

  • Use Al-Anon literature, Al-Anon s national website and meetings (online or in person) as part of your professional education.

    We know that professionals are increasing time poor, so the Al-Anon website www.al-anon.org.au will give you a practical start to increasing your work with people with alcohol problems.

  • Contact the National Office for advice about meetings that could give you an overview of Al-Anon relevant to your profession.

    Australian General Service Office
    Mailing Address:     GPO Box 1002, Melbourne Vic 3001
    Office Address: Level 7, 51 Queen Street, Melbourne Vic 3000
    Office Hours: 9.00 am – 5.00 pm, Monday to Thursday
    Phone: (03) 9620 2166

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